Monday, July 28, 2008


I am so ashamed of the way I am feeling, but I can't control it.

Last weekend I saw my cousin and her three-month old baby, and it didn't bother me at all, so I thought I was getting a handle on my emotions. I even thought about trying to restore my karma by making a baby quilt for someone else on the sewing machine that I originally bought to make a quilt for my own baby.

However, this weekend I saw a friend who is five months pregnant. I tried to avoid her at the party, but she kept standing at the doorway overlooking the backyard in a tight dress and rubbing her belly, which she has every right to do.

I thought I was okay with never being pregnant, and even feel fortunate not to be tied down with a child and have responsibility for all that brings. But why has this depressed me so much? Am I just jealous because she has something I can't have- even though I don't think I want it anymore?


hopeyg said...

Hey T. Here's just my thought, but I wouldn't feel bad about feeling jealous. I think the best thing to help get the emotions on track is to ask, why. Why did these feelings of jealousy come up? What is it that you are really looking for. Get to the heart of the emotions. And it looks like you're starting to do that with the help of this blog. Keep it up.

Love ya,

luna said...

the mind is a very mysterious thing and has its own defenses. the heart too, but it's much harder to conceal the truth from your heart. best of luck working through your conflicted thoughts and feelings.

Hope2morrow said...

Oh, dear! I hope you feel better soon. I do agree that feelings come up for a reason, so I think you should sort through them to discover why you are feeling this way.

Be well.

girl ex nihilo said...

I'm sorry that was hard. But I appreciate your coming to the party, especially since you probably knew it might be difficult.

Anonymous said...

I'm fine with ppl once they have the baby, and I'm fine with the baby, I am NOT fine with pregnant women...the jealousy runs rampant.

girl ex nihilo said...

I get jealous of her too sometimes. But I don't feel bad about it, because I know that even though I want what she has, I want her to have it too.

charity said...

I didn't realize you were having a hard time at the party. I just want you to be happy and I don't know how to help. Let me know if there is anything I can do.
-love little sis.

Portraits In Sepia said...

I don't know how to answer your question. I am not around alot of pregnant people or people with babies FORTUNATELY because I am sure I would feel the same way.

Emily (Apron Strings) said...

Yikes. I'm so sorry you had to go through those emotions. It's a tough thing to deal with and unfortunately no matter how much you think you might be "over it," I honestly don't think any of us will completely be over it.

HUGS to you!

Tracey said...

I hope you feel better soon. I know the feelings can be overwhelming and confusing!!! I will pray God helps you.

Penny said...

arg! This doesn't bode well for my own jealousy monster exorcism.

But honestly, it sounds like part of the process; I mean, you wouldn't expect to stop wanting something you've previously altered much of your life for for years, right?

TrishE said...

It comes in stages, T. You have strong days, when you feel like all the things in your world are right, and acceptable. And then you have days when they are all too heavy and painful.

I have found that telling those closest to me, "I'm sorry, I'm having a weak day today. Let's talk about anything -except- your pregancy" helps on the days when I am feeling small. But I have to be sure that on the days I'm feeling strong, I also say to them, "I really want to talk about you today; how are you feeling? What's on your mind?" It lets my friends know that I care about them, and that I won't be fragile every day.

And at the same time, it allows me the opportunity to both celebrate their joy, and yet protect myself when I need protecting.

It's a combination of caring, self-awareness, and sharing.