Thursday, May 29, 2008

Test results

I did finally receive my test results from the doctor. My TSH level is 2.91, which is quite a bit higher than the 2.03 I had 14 months ago, but still under 3.0 and therefore within everyone's definition of normal. I still think I do have a lot of symptoms that point to a thyroid deficiency. Maybe in another 14 months my level will be high enough that the doctors will think so to.

I looked at the possibility of wasting some more money on a non-traditional doctor, but then I realized I already know what they will say:
Stop eating wheat
Replace all your metal fillings
Avoid (insert food name here)

Unless I am willing to make sacrifices, going to see a naturopathic doctor is just another waste of money.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Better not let me babysit

Our neighbor moved out six weeks ago and left us as caretakers of her 19-year-old cat and free-ranging white bunny. Since she was moving to a rural area, she thought it would be unsafe for them (eagles, coyotes, raccoons, etc.)
Five days ago the cat died in her sleep, and today Luna was killed by a car. A woman down the street came home and saw the rabbit's white body in the middle of the street. Everytime we come home, for years, we have been afraid of seeing a white spot on the street. We don't know how long she had been in the street, but we are hoping that she didn't suffer. She was already dead when the neighbor got to her.
Luna was well-known in the entire neighborhood. Children would look for her on the way to the park, and people would feed her carrots. She recognized people and would often hop over to people that she knew so they could pet her. She loved sitting on top of the mound in the neighbor's yard and watching everything going on around her. Although she would have lived a longer life in a cage, she wouldn't have been as happy. She roamed freely in our neighborhood for over two years, and enriched the lives of everyone who knew her. She is missed.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Coming to Terms

Sharah wrote the most fabulous post about coming to terms with childlessness, and I am linking to it here so other people will read it, but also so I can reread it later.

The neighbor's cat

Our neighbor moved out about six weeks ago and we agreed to feed the cat and rabbit that she left behind. (She moved to a rural area and was afraid it would be unsafe for them.) The cat was 19 years old, afraid of people, and I often wondered if she might be deaf too. She also (so I heard from her former owner, since only once did the cat let me close enough to pet her) had a large tumor.

Last night she died in her sleep in the yard next door. I am relieved! I was afraid she had been suffering, and wondered what I should do when it became obvious. Her owner (the neighbor who moved out) is the kind of person who never throws anything away, and I was afraid that she was going to hold on to the cat in the same way, past the point of humanely taking care of her.


I have been a bit depressed this week. I wonder if it correlates with my cycle- this time it started on day 1. Just when I am so happy that I forget what it is like to be depressed, it happens again to remind me. Really little things can set me off- a rude salesperson, heavy traffic... And then my unhappiness is so deep that I can't imagine it ever ending. (I do still go to work and behave more-or-less normal, except that I cry at the drop of a hat.)
But I snapped out of it yesterday, so I am back to my normal self again. Great!

Monday, May 19, 2008


I thought I was past the point where it bothered me when other women became pregnant, but yesterday a friend called to say that she is eight weeks along. I already knew through the grapevine that she was pregnant, but her feeling confident enough to announce it herself is much harder for me than I expected.

Although her first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, I hope she realizes how fortunate she is to be able to get pregnant so easily- twice in six months!

It was my own fault for asking her how she was doing. You know how people slow their cars so they can see an accident on the road? I not only cause the accident, I am the accident and I get to watch it too.

For me, a miscarriage would at least be a sign that my body is working, and that I shouldn't give up hope. But hopes frequently dashed just cause pain, so I don't think I want any hope at this point.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Condescending Doctors

I finally received my blood test results from last week, including the results of the thyroid test that I had been so curious about. However, the doctor didn't send me the actual test results like my gynecologist always did! Instead she just sent me a summary, with 'Normal' marked for each test I had taken. How condescending!

This was the first time I had seen that doctor. I chose her because she had written that she "encourage[s] a proactive role for patients to get involved with their health care."

To top it off, her summary contained what I think is a sticker she puts on everyone's summary, advising me to "Follow enclosed diet. Continue low cholesterol diet. Lose weight. Exercise daily." While that may be good advice for most people, it doesn't make any sense since we didn't discuss diet or weight and there was no enclosed information. Pitiful!

I called the clinic to ask for a copy of the actual test results. We'll see if they arrive!

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Job Search

I wouldn't blame anyone for wondering if I am really looking for a job. I have been complaining about work for so long, and haven't really done anything about it, in large part because of infertility. I thought it would be most convenient to stay in my present position, have the baby, then find another job while I was on maternity leave. But of course the baby part of the equation never fell into place. So, here I am three years later, no child and still in the same job.

One good thing about staying in my present job is that I have accumulated over 300 hours of sick leave, so it was no problem when the nurse practitioner wanted me to come in five times in a single week for IUIs and ultrasounds. That would definitely have been a problem in a new position, with no sick leave accumulated, or with a boss who didn't know you well.

Looking for a job is really depressing. I hardly hear back from any of the positions I apply to, so after a while I start to think of myself as a clod of dirt, with no worthwhile talents, or at least none of the talents that I wish I had.

Once I have been settled in a new job for a few months, my attitude should improve and then I might be willing to pursue IVF or even more IUIs.

Thursday, May 8, 2008

At least 1282 others...

Despite my recent "going public" I am still struggling to think of infertility as the same as any other problem, not something to be ashamed of. Imagine if a friend asks if you are training for a marathon. You might respond that you would like to be, but you have a bum knee. That's how casual infertility should be. Is infertility so much more shameful because our society is embarrassed by anything related to sex?
I recently came across a rather impressive index of infertility blogs and found out that there are at least 1282 people out there doing the same thing I am, in different stages of IUI/IVF/adoption/living childfree.
It really makes me realize that I am not alone! I also need to check out some of those blogs to see what you are up to, and perhaps add a few more to my sidebar.

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Thyroid tests

My appointment with the doctor finally arrived, and I convinced her to give me thyroid tests. But since there is some controversy over what is normal thyroid level, I am worried that I will have to still fight to get treatment. And if I my thyroid is "normal" even by both standards, but I know that I have so many symptoms of low thyroid, how do I deal with that? Perhaps find a naturopathic doctor who has a treatment even if it isn't the usual treatment?

I.... Must.....Relax

How do other people make time in their lives for relaxation?
When I came home from work yesterday, I needed to feed the cat and rabbit, water the plants, do laundry, clean the room where our guest was staying, cook and eat dinner, practice fiddle, put away the laundry, hook up my computer and arrange things since we recently moved... By then it was 10 pm.
If I could find the time (at least an hour) to sit down and knit, then I would have to be really relaxed. But there is so much to do! Once the moving and straightening is over, I need to start looking for a job.
The knitting project (a purse) that I started in May 2007 is only two inches long!
Sometimes I feel so stressed that I call in sick to work to get caught up with all my "home" work.
How do other people cope?

Friday, May 2, 2008

Going public

I finally decided to tell others about this blog. It was this posting that convinced me:
There's no going back now.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

Are we unknowing destroying ourselves?

I often wonder if my fertility problems are created by something in my environment- something I am eating for example.

The discovery that bisphenol-A leaches into our food and may disrupt our hormone system isn't new, but I just became aware of it.

Do I need to avoid exposure to plastics (as well as pesticides on produce and antibiotics and hormones added to meat)? Or are our poisons so pervasive that I had better get over my concerns?