Monday, June 9, 2008

Follow up

Apparently I sounded really decided in my last posting. It isn’t really as simple as that.

Since we aren’t considering adoption, if we are no longer trying it means that we will NEVER have children. That means I need to throw away my baby names (I always feared that choosing names was bad luck, but I couldn’t stop myself), accept the fact that I won’t ever teach my child how to swim, we won’t ever have a bilingual household, and our nieces and nephews won’t have any cousins. I also need to stop wondering, when I pass teenagers on the street, if that is what my child will look like some day. I also have always had some misgivings about bringing a child into a world full of pollution, war, greed, bullies- at least I won’t have to worry about that anymore. Also on the plus side, I won’t have to change dirty diapers, listen to whining, discipline a teenager or pay for college.

Also, I need to start using birth control again. A waste of money because obviously I don’t need it! But as long I’m not actively preventing conception, I will continue to have a little bit of hope that it will someday happen, and that hope prevents me from moving on. I am sure A. is still hoping and part of the reason he agreed to “stop trying” (whatever that means to him) is because he knows that I am so tired of the process and because I am the one who has to do nearly all the work, so if I’m not willing to continue, then we shouldn’t.

P.S. Perhaps I need to clarify- hope is usually good. But getting your hopes dashed month after month is depressing. So what I need to do is to stop hoping to get pregnant and instead hope for something else- like happiness.

6 comments:

Io said...

I don't know what to say, but I'm listening. I understand the need to obliterate any hope. Clean break and all.

kcmarie122 said...

I understand what you mean about taking away any chance at hope, for now, to keep hope alive, for later. It makes perfect sense.

I hope this brings you peace and that you find the happiness you're looking for!!

charity said...

You being happy is all any of your friends family and bloggers want!

hopeyg said...

Love you, Hope

girlexnihilo said...

I know what you mean about wanting to cut ties with things that keep you attached. I hope letting go has brought you some sense of new freedom.

Zee said...

Thanks for stopping by and for your comment, T.

As to hope, I think I get where you're coming from. The time to stop, whether it's forever or just for now, is when the pain of trying and failing becomes greater than the pain of not trying at all. I wish I were completely there, but try as I might, I'm still not. Right now, despite knowing that the most logical thing to do is to give up all hope, the most I can manage is "Hope for the best; expect the worst." Or, less grimly, attempt to practice Hope Without Expectation. Not really possible, as you know, but my heart isn't ready to write it off completely.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it brings you peace.